eder's advice is good and has come in handy. i hope she feels better already,if not soon,cause i know,all of us who are so in love with her feel the same pain too.
i obviously haven't been up to much since i'm blogging again. realise i have stopped thinking since sec1 when i used to be angsty and depressed (haha). hating school and school and practically,everything. well,i'm sec4 ness now,still depressed about various silly things, - mostly angry (hateful,furious,irate,raging,hoping mad,outraged; you must feel my fury) - but i've come to realise i don't hate this part which makes up largely for school anymore.
my favorite person in school used to be benice (without the 'r',yes). not that her name was without the 'r,' i just used to call her that and giggle at it. and,so would she! we used to gallivant almost everywhere after school and like,the people whom i cherish dearly right now,i did love her a lot a lot a lot. it's quite different now that she's gone to ___,i still like her very much and have seen her a few times when i was at tiong,waiting for 195 to go for tootion which was a dumb thing to do,especially when 195 stops at the bus stop at commonwealth mert,but of course,that has not link to uh,benice,except a tremendously distant one. sometimes i wonder if she remembers or thinks of me. it warms me up inside to know how many (or few) fabulous people i've had in my life,but when they leave,it's like they totally disappear and you never mattered a single bit to them cause they don't tell you so. maybe some things do not require any form of communication,but i don't think anyone would have that with me,save,a few? benice's good friend in school now happens to be really really tall,next to her,and really tall,next to me. she's awfully cute,her pint-size (that was no insult,no!). she carries the same red roxy bag i have and seldom carry now,and makes the chinging noise when she walks because of it bigass zip (okay no,not the bigass zip like those bags which zips are like seriously biiiigass and make up for almost half the bag). s'quite funny,really. i guess what i really mean is i really miss benice right now,and i guess this whole descriptive paragraph could've been summed up as: i'm feeling nostalgic.
the day after majong-night at suwah's,i came home to the comfort of mama's bed and slebt for a good i-can't-remember-how-many hours cause it's been too long,or rather i feel it's been very long,and i was really washed out from having my lenses in my eyes really for,24 hours. so when i finally got up,late afternoon,i was hit by a train (ahaha) cause i was suddenly aware aware aware aWARE (!) that those ninnies whom i played majong with,the previous night,were the very people i've spent the last four years of my life with and by the commencement of a new school term next year,i will not be seeing them anymore. i guess that's why i was just reflecting on how i used to hate the school which included thinking everyone in school was disgusting (honestly,still applies for most of them others). but that aside,i know i've really learned to love those whom i've been really close to,namely those i've hung out with the past two years. it really is depressing cause you wonder whether they're gonna disappear like benice did and whether they'll still matter when two years of JC is up and you've another bunch of lovely people to feel this way about. it's the same thing with the gang,we're always making plans to meet and be together,but not all of us are there when it finally happens. people drift when they aren't around each other a lot and especially when they don't think about each other and also when they have new buddy-buddies to love. of course,over the years,you might keep a few of them close but the others just seemingly dissolve. and then maybe the past haunts and they don't want you around. that's extreme but,it happens!
i'm not itsy bitsy wittle ness anymore and i won't make a scene of separation. i just know it saddens me a monster lot and it scares me,too. certainly,no one can make things work by themselves. so,i'll just stand aside and watch everything/everyone leave,but still let my lovers know how dear they are to me,until they,too,tell,in whatever way,that,likewise,they don't want to do without me. hahah,wishful thinking on ness' part.
